What It Feels Like on the Inside

I really don't feel inside the way I think people view me on the outside. You see me and think white mono-cultural monolingual "normal" girl. But inside I desire to push away from anything like that.

Inside my longing is to know you and be known.

Inside this mind is English and Spanish and a learned ability to listen to lots of different accents and styles of speaking and understand.

Inside my soul is a longing for smells and sights and sounds of plains and mountains and huge tall trees and palms and no fear of cockroaches or lizards.

Inside is the compulsion to triple check my locks in my car and my house, the awareness of who is walking behind me and where my bag sits on my body (away from the street where motorizados (motorcyclists) can grab it as they drive by).

It feels like fear and love mixed together - fear and a desire to protect and keep out, love and the desire to embrace and welcome in. This balance leads me to feel misunderstood.

I was at the doctors office in Venezuela with my son for his check-up when he was about 5 months old. I sat in a small hallway with four chairs, the nurse's desk, and An old couple was there too, waiting for their doctor to arrive. The very friendly nice abuelo (grandpa) began to talk to me. He picked my son up "un bebe Gerber" ("a Gerber baby") out of his stroller and started to dance with him. Then he handed him back to me and said, "No debes dejar que desconocidos carguen a tu bebé." ("You shouldn't let strangers hold your baby.") I sat there in the office waiting, now fear and shame on me - and I just wanted to love and welcome. So I held my son closer and looked down at the floor.