We all experience goodbyes. Many of us would rather call them "see you laters."

For many who are part of a highly mobile community, goodbyes can be so common that they go unacknowledged or we get worn down by them. But goodbyes aren't only about us - they happen in community.

Transition never occurs in a vacuum. It involves people at every turn. Part of transitioning well means being mindful of the process involved in saying goodbye. If we give ourselves the time and space to say goodbye well, we are freer at our destination to say hello with our whole hearts. - C’havala Crawley

So whether we are leaving or staying, how can we learn to acknowledge the goodbyes and not get worn down by them? How can we learn to say a good goodbye? By RAFTing.

RAFT

It is a law of transition:

You have to say a clear goodbye to say a clear hello, OR You have to grieve well to leave well.
- Safe Passage, how mobility affects people & what international schools should do about it Paperback – by Douglas W. Ota

And in my experience building your RAFT is the best way to approach that process.

The RAFT, a tool created by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken to help walk through the steps of a good goodbye and described in Third Culture Kids 3rd Edition: Growing up among worlds, consists of four stages: Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination. Whether you work through this process as an individual or you are facilitating it for children you care for, here are some stories, resources and activities for each step.

Reconciliation

Forgive & Be Forgiven

Conflict is a part of life, particularly in transition. It is so easy to feel betrayed, left behind or left out when we are in transition. Sometimes we can find ourselves getting angry at those who are leaving or easily irritated by the country we are living in, because instead of processing our grief we cope by getting angry and frustrated. It can seem easier to leave a person or place that we are mad at. But the thing about conflict and hurt, no matter how much we try to get away from it or think it won't come with us into the next place - it becomes heavy baggage we didn't intend to pack. By taking the step to seek forgiveness or to give forgiveness to those we have been hurt by, we lighten our load and allow our hearts to heal and grow.

Helping our students and children understand how to navigate conflict is so important as they get little practice with it. Many TCKs figure that soon enough they will leave or their friend will leave, so there's no need to resolve the conflict. But conflict resolution skills are essential for healthy adult relationships for the workplace and their future family. Don't skip this step!

Activities

• Make a list of those you want to reconcile with and make a plan for how to do this. (write to them, call them, meet with them)
• There are times when we are unable to forgive or seek forgiveness from others due to losing contact or because they are not a safe person for us to connect with. In these cases, write a letter that you will never send.
  • If this topic comes up in conversation with your child and they are unable to connect with that person, have them say to you what they would want to say to that person. Let them know that forgiveness allows them to move forward freer than holding on to unforgiveness.

Affirmation

Tell Others You Appreciate Them

I believe that this is one of the simplest and most meaningful of the RAFT steps. Affirmation is just letting someone know that you will miss them, that you appreciate them, that you are thankful for them. This can be as simple as just saying the words out loud, "I'm going to miss you" or as big as a scrapbook with all of the wonderful memories shared and words to let them know just exactly how much they mean to you.

One thing I have learned over the years of goodbyes, is to take advantage of the moment, because you don't always know if you will get another. I have no regrets for the moments I interrupted a friend while spending time with them to just tell them, "I'm going to miss you when you go." "I really like you." I only regret the moments I didn't take to say something.

Do you have people or children/students in your life that always come by to say hi or seem to gravitate to you? Though you might not think of them as an important goodbye for you, your words of affirmation might be incredibly life-giving and affirming to them. Take the time to notice and say thank you to those people too.

A principal friend of mine told me about a student who was so sad when he learned that one of the seniors was graduating soon. She and I worked together to make sure the senior knew how important he was to that student. At the senior's graduation, in the midst of his own celebration and farewells, he took time to give the beautiful gift of affirmation to that little elementary student through a hug. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen and it cost those of us involved in making it happen just a few intentional moments.

Activities

• Make a list of all the people you want to affirm. Think about how you want to share those affirmations (write to them, call them, take them some place special).
• Need a fast and easily transportable memento? Write a letter on the back of a printed picture of you and your friend. If it's printed on paper, laminate it so that it won't be easily damaged.
• Create something artistic and portable for a friend.
• Make a list of your favorite things about this person, favorite memories, hopes you have for them.
• Make a plan to say your affirmations to a friend while enjoying a special place that you will miss.
• Make a plan on the calendar for when you will prepare these affirmations.

Farewell

Recognizing the Lasts

Lasts. This is what farewells are. It is recognizing the lasts. This is especially critical for little ones. Kids have trouble understanding time and how long they have until someone leaves or how long they will be gone. What they can understand is lasts. It is our job as the adults in their lives to help them recognize and prepare for lasts.

This is saying farewell to (lasts times to see) people, places, pets or things.

When my husband and I moved abroad we didn't think to say goodbye to much. We figured it would be there when we got back in two years. (Only we didn't go for only two years!) When we returned in the summer after our first year, the restaurant where we had our first date and our wedding rehearsal had closed. There was no way to go back.

Be creative in your farewells and, with the limited time that is often the reality of transition, be effective with your farewells. It can often be best to pair a farewell to a person with a farewell to a favorite place that you shared with that person. Can you leave a pet with a friend, allowing them to remember you and you to have peace about where your pet will be? Can you give away special things to friends you are leaving when you say goodbye to them, allowing them to remember you when they use that item?

One of my favorite gifts from a friend I said goodbye to was literally a car air freshener. Every time I got in her car when we would leave to hang out, I told her how much I loved the smell. (Driving around Caracas wasn't a great experience for your nose. And she brought the air fresheners all the way from the States.) And when she and I had our farewells, she gave me her air fresheners. I felt so known in that silly little gift and I always remembered her as I got in my lovely smelling car.

All of these kinds of farewells take intentional planning and time and it is so worth it. After ten years in Venezuela, I knew that saying farewell was going to be so hard. So I started at the beginning of that school year to write my letters. I started with the easy ones and saved the harder ones for later. I'm so glad I did, because it allowed me to not get overwhelmed and to take each goodbye one at a time.

Activities

• Take out a calendar and plan out when you will say your farewells to people, places, things (try not to say goodbye to sacred objects, try to bring them), food, and pets.

Sacred Objects

TCKs (Third Culture Kids), and for many of us who have had to move around, carry sacred objects. These objects might be the one thing that has stayed with us throughout our moves. Sacred objects can come to represent a place or a person or provide a sense of comfort

Finding My VoiceAmy Shuflin

• Make a paper chain to count down the lasts so little ones can see more clearly how much time there is.
• If kids can't take everything with them, help them think through things they want to give to their friends as part of their farewells.

Think Destination

Learn About the Next Place 

When we first moved to Venezuela, I think I learned almost nothing about where I was going. I just figured we would learn about it when we got there. But the amount I had to learn about when I got there was overwhelming. A new language, a new culture, new foods, new people, new everything. The more you can learn about the "new" before you get there, the more familiar it will be to you when you encounter it. Learn about the foods, transportation, language, after school/extracurricular activities, sports, housing, schools.

• Does the new school have resources or programs to help new people transition?
• Are there things you will need to bring with you because you won't be able to find them in that new place?
• Does the sport that your child loves exist in that new place or do kids play a different sport?
• Will you need to buy a car or motorcycle or learn a transit system?

For the relationships that you want to stay connected with, what will that look like? Make a realistic plan for how you will stay connected once you or they have moved away. And then give grace when the plan doesn't go perfectly. You are either in a completely new environment with new people or they are, and trying to manage new connections and maintain past ones is challenging. Don't give up, but also give grace.

If you are saying goodbye but NOT going anywhere, this step is for you too.

• What will life look like when you return from school term break and your friend/colleague isn't there anymore? Because that's when you really feel the reality of them leaving - when you return and they aren't there.
• What treasures still exist where you are? You can build a "treasure chest" of what stays with you (people, places, things) when others leave, that you can share with the new people coming.

Reflect on:

• Positives you can expect to find once you get there? 
• Negatives you can expect to find once you get there? 
• Resources you will find in the new location
• Resources missing 
• Who can help you adjust? 

Activities

• If Google Street View maps exist in your new destination, spend some time researching what your new place looks like.
• Buy something representing the new place or try out a food from the next place if it is available where you are now.
• What personal connections can you or your children begin to build with people in the new school? Take a look at the school website and see what they do for new students.
• If an embassy for your new country exists in your current location, do an embassy visit. (My husband and son did this before moving from Venezuela to Malaysia and were able to meet the Malaysian ambassador to Venezuela who gave them Malaysian food to try and a book about Malaysia with some coins.)
• Make a treasure chest of what is still with you.

Over the years I developed a journal and guide to walk through with students as they prepared for their farewells. This guide was not only created for those leaving, but also those staying and saying goodbye. If you are a subscriber, grab a copy below. If you have not subscribed yet, consider joining (totally free and get access to the journal and other resources).